Greetings, friend. Another Purge Night is upon us, and you probably have some feelings about it. That is understandable. Purge Night is fraught with incredible tension, both for those who seek to achieve catharsis, and for those who simply hope to survive the night. It is quite possible that you have already spent dozens (or hundreds) of hours meticulously planning your Purge Night, but do not feel overwhelmed if you are still seeking purpose in guidance on this momentous occasion. If you haven’t already, try looking to the sky and planning your Purge Night in accordance with the movements and interactions of celestial bodies. Let them guide you this perilous evening, when the possibilities are endless.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Take to heart the saying, “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, and the other is gold.” With Mercury in retrograde, lines of communication are all jammed up, meaning you’ll have to do some extra legwork to connect with people. Head to Pete’s Cantina or another safehouse bar and find peace in the company of others.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Pisces are, by nature, sensitive creatures. The sight of Purge Night on the horizon has likely agitated you more than most. Before Purge Night begins, harness that nervous energy and make art. It could be abstract, a painting for its own sake. Or it could be an affirming poem or song that contains a sense of spirit with which to protect yourself.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You are a volcano, a mighty caldera. Vesuvius has nothing on you! Don't cower in the corner on Purge Night; you're a natural-born survivor. You got this.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Remind yourself that nothing is more important in life than finding balance. Put the turbulence of the outside world out of your mind and embrace the present. Practice mindfulness. Light incense. Take a bath. Listen to Norah Jones. Build a pillow fort. Watch all three Lord of the Rings movies.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Random acts of violence are par for the course on Purge Night. Try a random act of kindness within the context of the night’s events, like joining one of the roving crews of volunteer medics.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
A great poet once said, “We found love in a hopeless place.” Romance can indeed flourish in the even the most extreme environments. So swipe right this Purge Night. Reach out to that special someone you’ve been too afraid to contact. Make yourself vulnerable to rejection -- you might be happy you did.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
There is a beautiful peacock that lives within you: the true you. For once in your life, spread your mighty plumage and take flight. Don’t automatically acquiesce to the culture of Purge Night -- let your inner peacock be your guide.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Take Purge Night as an opportunity to commune with nature. Grab a loved one or two, your gas stove, and a few cans of beans and get as far away from humanity as physically possible. Sing sweet Kumbayas and let the invisible eyeball gaze upon you.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
We must protect this house! Tonight’s watchword is vigilance. If you haven’t made any defensive measures, start immediately. It’s never too late to make a run to Purge City. Do not go into this Purge Night unprepared.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Make a Voodoo doll of your mortal enemy and Purge from a distance. You'll feel better.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Tonight’s arena is one in which to indulge your most hedonistic impulses It’s okay if you’ve never Purged. Get out there and spend some money, cannonball in the bacchanal. Check out the Carnival of Flesh. Treat the hours after commencement like a trip to Vegas. What happens on Purge Night stays on Purge Night.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Stranger danger! Do not talk to strangers tonight. Don’t even think about it. Don’t even risk it. Double-check the bolts on your doors. In fact, consider finding the most secure, least conspicuous corner of your house -- maybe it’s the broom closet -- and fall asleep.