So we’re happy to report that our 2017 Psych Holiday Horoscopes were dead on because -- of course -- we had a not-so-secret weapon read the room and rock the predications. You may know him: strong hairline with piercing eyes blue or green or maybe brown and a psychic antenna stronger than your neighbor’s Wi-Fi. Yep. That guy.
And here’s the better news. We got him again. It only took the promise of a year’s supply of Quatros Quesos dos Fritos and a message from Judd Nelson on his voicemail, but Shawn Spencer agreed to sneak-peek the coming year. Actual results may vary but for now, enjoy some pre-stalgia –- nostalgia for stuff that hasn’t happened yet –- and remember, however 2019 goes, we’re proud of you.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Big note: don’t be the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Marzipan this year. You’re the mad scientist of the zodiac and this is your chance to go full Real Genius on every challenge, roadblock, or obstacle the year throws at you. When you’re done, 2019 will just be a house full of popcorn.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Okay, fish. I’m getting a couple things on you: that you’re a dreamer and that you can breathe underwater. I’m pretty sure the second one is baloney, but your dreams are going to be working overtime in 2019 to hold everything together like a caramel ribbon. And if you can breathe underwater, well, good on you.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
I like you, Ram. I like your face. I like your horns. I like that you can be found on the front of that Dodge Truck that Bill Paxton drove right through that house in Twister. Your 2019 might have some moments like that, but you’re going to be ready for them. Just watch out for flying cows.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
No bull, Bull. That thing you’re doing: keep doing it, because I’m getting that your moon is headed straight to the third house and that house actually the International House of Pancakes. Looks like 2019 is going to be fluffy, buttery ,and dripping with sweet, sweet goodness. Get after it.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The universe never stops babbling about you, Gemini, because you’re the twins. You’re only one, but you feel like two, which means you’re faster and furiouser and ready to eat 2019 with a spork and knife. Twist it up, Gemini.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
These vibes came in pink and pretty because it’s going to be all about the love with you this year, Crabby. Everyone knows you’re a caring nurturer and all that love you’ve been putting out there is going to come back to you in a big way in the form of hugs, snugs, or chicken nugs. That part wasn’t clear, so be ready for anything.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Oh, regal ruler of all the zodiacs, you’re somewhere between a giant snapping turtle and a Traveling Wilbury. In 2019, I see no fewer than 99 Luftballoons, which will lift your spirits as well as the spirits of others when you breathe in their sweet helium and recite famous speeches. This year, it’s all about the little things, Leo.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
2019 is going to find you flying high, Virgo, like video after he killed the radio star. Moving things along is your superpower and this is going to be the year you move it, move it. You’ve got to move it, move it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I’m getting that you’re all about the cooperation, Libra. You’re the Goose to someone’s Maverick. But I’m getting signals that 2019 might be a good time to find your inner Maverick. This will keep you out of the Danger Zone and make sure you never lose That Lovin’ Feelin’.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Good news. There’s money coming your way. Use it for a new project, some kind of business venture, or pump it all into that Frogger machine. It’s not entirely clear which move is best, so I’ll just say that projects and ventures come and go, Scorpio, but a Frogger high score is forever.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Don’t be a gooey chocolate chip cookies this year, Archer. 2019 is your year to chase that impossible dream. And if you find you’re not catching it, set a trap. A dream trap. Also, when you invent the dream trap, I’m going to need to know how you did it. Best of luck, dream trapper.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I’m getting that you’ve got a big decision coming up some time in the coming year. Make it count. Then go have some M & M’s. Plain or peanut. It really doesn’t matter. You’ve already made one big decision.