Look. You’re wearing a sweater. You’re thinking about shopping and there’s a fruitcake latte in your paw. You only just slept off summer and it’s the holidays. Are you ready for it? We didn’t think so.
Well, don’t worry, Sugarplum. Help is on the way in three words: Psych Horoscopes. In an unprecedented cosmic coupling, we’ve joined two true forces of nature: Shawn Spencer and the Universe. Shawn’s on a first name basis with "The U." Together, they’ll bring some pre-emptive sanity to the upcoming holidays.
At least that’s the plan, but no guarantees. We may be doubling down on second sight, but the Universe can be kind of a tool sometimes.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
All your face parts in the right spots, Rammy. Your eyebrows broadcast truth. The U tells me the holidays are going to be a great time for you to shoot your mouth off on all topics. Trust me on this one. You can spend your next life being a wallflower -- this is your time to be heard, no matter what your salesman friend in the little blue car says.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The bull is in control. We can feel it in our bones. Today might be a good day to make a diorama of your workplace and a bunch of little straw dolls of your co-workers and then move them around doing funny voices. Just don’t stick pins in any of them. That would be weird.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Have a seat, Gemini, this one is kind of huge. You’ve been loading your dishwasher the wrong way this entire time. Plates on top, glasses on the bottom. Oh, and the Universe reports this is actually a metaphor for your life, so it might be time to make some changes. Start with the dishwasher.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
For some reason, the only thing I’m getting in my head is an image of you riding Space Mountain in a bathtub. Quit blocking me, crab.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
The U has told me about you, Leo. You get the job done, and I’m getting that this could be the most productive month of your entire life. Mountains will be moved. Sentences will be completed. Stockings will be hung by the chimney with care.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
OK. Let’s just say you were amazing in Hidalgo, even better in Eastern Promises, and don’t ever get me started on Lord of the Rings. Wait. The U just informed me I’ve just confused Virgo with Viggo. Sorry about that.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
The U tells me you're all about balance, Libra, and that this holiday you’re going to be clutch when it comes to keeping the peace. As for me, I can see when you rearrange the letters of Libra, it spells Blair, who was the beating heart of the 80s boarding school sitcom The Facts of Life. Think about that. Think. About. That.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
There’s action in your fannypack, Scorpio, but you won’t tell anyone about it because you’re a vault of secrets. This means two things: You can be trusted and you’ve got dirt on pretty much everybody. Consider upping your blackmail game this holiday season and watch your presents be way better than last year.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Good news, centaur. My skin is tingling, which means you’re going to win the lottery. Either that or I have a rash. It’s one or the other, this is not an exact science. Good luck.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’re a goat because you’re a climber. People dig you because you’re goal-oriented. I like you because Capricorn sounds like candy corn. The holidays are going to be a Hunger Games-like journey this year and since the goat keeps their eye on the prize, you’re going to survive. Suck it, other signs.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Guess what, water carrier? You’ve got it all figured out. The U is annoyed because you know most of her secrets. You also dress better and have a cooler car, but mind your p’s a q’s, Jack. Your know-it-all attitude is getting in the way of romance. If you let some stuff slide, you can help yourself to a little bit of bacon.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
The U tells me you tend be a little bit in your head about things, Fishy Face, and I believe it because you just drove right past your own house. Here’s what I’m getting: keep going. Holiday adventure awaits. Big, stupid adventure with corn dogs, tall men, fat animals, and a vaguely Slavic woman pulling a wagon. Send me a postcard when you get there.
Here's one thing that's certain: You WILL watch Psych: The Movie when it premieres Thursday, Dec. 7, at 8/7c!
See into the future with these first-look pics from the movie: