Burton "Gus" Guster (Dulé Hll) is a lot of things: Super pharmaceutical slinger, sidekick extraordinaire, President and Treasurer of the local chapter of the Pluto Boosters, but any Psych-O worth his or her weight in pineapple knows it’s just as importante everything that Gus isn’t. After all, that’s how Shawn gets to the heart of what’s really happening. Isn’t that right, Weepy Boy Santos?
But really, who is Weepy Boy Santos? Who are what are any of the things Shawn has told Gus not to be? Does he even know? We wonder, but soon you won’t have to. Read on, Filipino Steve Perry. Read on.
Gus, don’t be...
1. A Giant Snapping Turtle
Also known as the American Ograbme, The giant snapping turtle is actually the official state reptile of New York and is frequently eaten by other giant snapping turtles. Be glad you aren’t one.
2. A Gooey Chocolate Chip Cookie
There can be no other kind of cookie, so declared by the Congressional Cookie Act of 1877ish. Pro Tip: hand chopping the chocolate is what makes it gooey. Frankly, if you want to be one of these, we won’t stop you.
3. The American Adaptation of the British Gus
Well, this is an obvious one. In England, an elevator is called a lift and potato chips are called crisps and cookies are called biscuits! How jacked up is that? There can never be an American version of the British Gus. Something would be lost in translation. Suck iiiiiitt.
4. A Rabid Porcupine
It’s been reported that rabid porcupines are, in fact, the most adorable of the animals that could land you in the emergency room. Now, imagine being one. No, thank you.
5. An Old Sponge With Hair Hanging Off of It
Do we really need to explain why you don’t want to be one of these? Do we?
6. The Ribs That Flip Over Fred Flintstone’s Car
Shawn is right. The ribs that flipped over that Paleozoic dolt’s car are no bueno -- especially now that they’re lying on the ground. C’mon, son.
7. The Second Drummer of .38 Special
It’s true The Hold on Loosely guys had a pair of skinsmen, and it’s well known they often argued over which one of them was actually the second drummer. Now, if a pair of dusty old southern rock stalwarts can’t figure it out, how can you?
8. A Gloomy You
Can there ever, ever, ever, ever, ever be anything worse than a Gloomy Gus? No. Don’t be that.
9. Exactly half of an Eleven-Pound Black Forest ham
Just the math alone makes it painfully clear that being one half of an eleven-pound ham is a bad idea. Half of eleven? What even is that? 4.22222? Eleventy-three? #confused
10. The 100th Luftballoon
Everyone knows there can only be 99 Luftballoons, and as soon as we figure out what a LuftBalloon is, we’ll tell you why.
11. Weepy Boy Santos
A mythical figure, Weepy Boy Santos forded rivers, climbed mountains, wrestled a tiger, and led a rebellion that resulted in Albanian Independence. He’s also a total liar. Don’t be Weepy Boy Santos. His pants are on fire.
12. A Myopic Chihuahua
We have it on good authority that only a small percentage of Chihuahuas are myopic. The others are perfectly nice little Spanish-speaking cartoon dogs, like the ones you see in purses and shopping carts. We’re not sure why Gus was advised not to be one, but we’ll go with it. We’re easy.
13. An Incorrigible Eskimo Pie with a Caramel Ribbon
The best of our knowledge, the proverbial Eskimo Pie with a Caramel Ribbon is second only to Quatros Quesos Dos Fritos as Shawn’s favorite snack. In this instance, he had to tell Gus not to be something, and Eskimo Pie was where he landed. Because Shawn.
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