O.B.E.
Walt called it "symmetry" and I can't think of a better word for it. My birthday followed by a day I could have died. Saved by my father's old penknife that my son gave to me. There's a balance to it all, somehow.
But nothing felt balanced about being stuck in all those visions, let me tell you!
It was disorienting and surreal, with a quite a bit of "Out of Body Experience" thrown in. I don't know whether other people see their lives flash before their eyes when they're on the brink of death, but I do know that my oxygen-starved brain was working overtime to try to help me make sense of the visions I was getting off of the three people I was touching.
I don't know if it was my ego or my id, that basic part of me that wanted to get out of the choke hold and survive, but -- I have to say -- I never expected any part of my mind to take the form of Bruce in a party hat! Ha!
I'll tell you, though, the visions where I became Maiya -- where I saw out of her eyes -- were among the strangest I've ever experienced. I mean I've had visions before in which I participate in them in the first person, as the person whose vision it is.
As Cole, I felt his helpless rage, his utter lack of control. As Desmond, his concern and longing for Maiya. But, as Maiya, I was overwhelmed by her fear -- and her incredible love -- for her daughter Sienna. It was powerful. Compelling. Even after the visions were over, all I could think about was finding the little girl and making sure she was safe. It was intense, man.
Now, is Maiya unique in her depth of feeling for her daughter? Or did I just get a taste of what it's like to be in the throes of some industrial strength Maternal Instinct?! Because, let me tell you, it was scary ... and kind of awesome. Not entirely different from what I feel as a father for JJ, but different enough to feel, well, in a way, alien.
Of course, the differences I felt could easily be accounted for by the fact that I was losing consciousness, that my Dead Zone wasn't getting enough oxygen!
That said, this all has me wondering ... and a little bit worried. When the time comes, when I actually do die, what will that be like? Will I get to relive my own life? Get to see for the last time all the faces of those who've been dear to me? Or will I merely see a fragment of someone else's life? Perhaps a flash of what happened to the last patient that the stethoscope or scalpel touched? Or, maybe, what is going to happen to my doctor long after I expire?
I hope I don't have to see my own funeral or feel my son grieving for me. I guess it's too much to hope for, when I finally experience death, that my Dead Zone goes first.
Past Entries:
- (7/23) A Life More Ordinary
- (7/16) Lack of Faith... or New Angle?
- (7/9) Stop The Madness!
- (7/2) The Unexpected Evening
- (6/25) A Touchy Subject
- (6/18) Does Janus Know About Armageddon?
