JULY 1, 2007

FAITH

I guess it all comes down to faith. When I was in prison, I didn't have any. What was the point? I'd assassinated Jordan Collier, a 4400, a leader with a vision to make a difference in the world. And because of me, because of what the future did to me...he was gone. How do you live with yourself after you kill someone? For a long time, I didn't bother trying. I didn't care. I was ready to just rot in prison.

And then Jordan Collier returned. What is that if not a miracle? Before I knew it, I was released. I went to see Collier to ask for forgiveness. What he gave me was more than I could've imagined. He gave me purpose. He told me there was a role for me to play. And I wanted to believe him, more than I ever wanted to believe anything. I wanted to be part of something bigger than myself. And it was pretty obvious how I could do that. Take Promicin.

The world is a mess, full of people without hope. And I had two choices. Take a chance at becoming extraordinary and try to make a difference, or stop caring and live a life without meaning. And after everything I'd been through, fifty-fifty seemed like pretty good odds.

So now I have Cassie. Is she really my ability? My means to becoming extraordinary? I don't know. Not for sure anyway. She did help me wake up Shawn. She did guide me to the White Light book. But now she says I'm supposed to become a shaman. To Jordan Collier. Really? The man with all the answers needs a guide? He needs me? Am I really supposed to believe that?

If I don't follow her, Cassie says she'll leave me alone. But how does that work? Is there some switch she flips in my head to turn herself off? And do I want to risk that? All I wanted was a role, an opportunity to contribute. If I don't listen to her, will I be losing that chance?

I'm not sure what to think. And the White Light book isn't much help. It's vague enough that you can interpret it any way you want. I've been over it a hundred times since I stole it from that guy's house. Sure there are a lot of familiarities with what's going on today – the return of the 4400, the spread of Promicin. But are those just bizarre coincidences? A lot of the book is unreadable. Some of the pages are burnt or missing, and there's a whole section written in code. For all I know it could be someone's grocery list. It could be nothing at all. But what if it's something important? Something that could help Collier? Don't I owe it to him, and to myself, to at least try to figure it out?

I guess that's what I mean; it all comes down to faith. I believe the 4400 came back with a purpose. And I believe Jordan Collier is trying to change the world for the better. He gave us Promicin, and Promicin gave me Cassie. And Cassie says that tonight I need to meet her at some random intersection on the outskirts of town. I have no idea why. I don't know what's coming next, or how any of this will help the movement. I don't even know if it's dangerous or whether I'm gonna be asked to do something illegal. Again. But I'm going. I need to know that all of this is for real. Am I scared? You bet. But I have faith. And sometimes that's all you need.