JUNE 17, 2007

DAMAGED GOODS

It worked.  Shawn's awake.  Last night, in the middle of all the chaos in the city, I walked into the hospital with a syringe of Promicin.  I admit, I was nervous.  It was bad enough when I got the shot and took it myself, but giving it to Shawn in the middle of a busy hospital?  Still, I don't feel much responsibility to a law I don't believe in.  It's bizarre to me that, given the state of the world, Promicin is the thing the government outlaws as dangerous.  It can do so much good, maybe change the world forever, yet if I get caught with it I go to prison for the rest of my life.  But it was worth it.  Shawn is family and he needed me.  Not to mention, a few years ago, he was the one risking himself to wake me up.  It's like things have come full circle for us.  And now, seeing Shawn awake... there are no words to describe it.

Today I went to that art school to find Cassie, the girl I met who recommended the Promicin shot for Shawn.  I just wanted to say thanks.  Turns out, she's not even enrolled at that school.  Was it her name or the school she was lying about?  She seemed like she was a real art student, but what if that was just some act?  Was she playing me the whole time?  Maybe I'm reading too much into this.  She might've just lied to protect herself, in case I got caught with the Promicin and gave her up or something.  On the other hand, why get involved at all?  And how did she know that Promicin would wake Shawn up?  The only thing I can come up with is that maybe she's a 4400.  Or a Promicin positive.  Maybe she works with Jordan Collier.  Regardless, I'd like to find her and ask her what her deal is.  Sounds crazy as I write this, but somehow I know I'll get that chance.

Meanwhile, the city is a mess in the wake of this whole Graham Holt thing.  Of course, city officials blame Promicin.  I suppose it's the natural response of a frightened, misinformed culture.  Yes, Promicin can grant people extraordinary and sometimes scary abilities.  But it's how they use them that's scary, not the abilities themselves.  And most of the media has kept quiet about the fact it was Jordan Collier who ended the crisis.  Collier isn't the bad guy.  He's not forcing people to take Promicin.  And there's no better guide for people who take the shot than him -- if the government hadn't chased him into hiding, maybe he could've prevented this whole thing from getting out of hand in the first place.  But no... like everyone is a position of power, they're afraid of change.  Even if it's for the better.      

Which brings me to my dad.  He and I aren't exactly on the same page these days.  He's so wrapped up in his work, his sense of duty.  Sometimes when I talk to him, it's like he's the only judge of what's right and wrong.  He's too rigid in his thinking, everything is black and white to him.  But I don't want us to fight.  Which is why I can't tell him that I injected Shawn.  Or that I took Promicin myself.  He just wouldn't understand.  Especially after everything that's happened.  To him.  To me.  To Alana.  After her disappearance he immersed himself in work.  NTAC has been his whole life the past few months.  I know he's just throwing himself into it to help deal with the pain of losing her.  I've only been home a few days, but I can already see it. 

I wish Alana was here.  My dad really misses her.  She was good for him, a balancing force in his life.  She's also a 4400.  And if she was here, I think she could help him see the truth about what's happening.  I think she'd understand what Collier was trying to do.  I think she'd want Promicin to spread.  After all, isn't that the point of everything...from the ball of light to Collier's resurrection?  

Dad would never understand this, but I feel connected to everything that's going on, like I'm supposed to help the 4400.  Hell, I should have been a 4400.  If Shawn hadn't pushed me out of the way that night...I wonder sometimes, what if I'd been the one taken?  How would my life be different?  I guess that's why I took the shot.  I thought maybe I'd get my answer.

But that was three months ago, and nothing's changed.  Still no ability.  I was really frustrated at first.  After all I've been through, I'm the one person who survives but doesn't gain an ability?  Is there something wrong with me?  Maybe I was altered somehow when the future put that "thing" inside me, to make me shoot Collier.  Maybe I'm damaged goods, I don't know.  All I really know for sure is that my life is forever intertwined with the 4400.  And I'm gonna do whatever I can to help them.