When It’s Time To Call It Quits
By Tonja Evetts WeimerOnce upon a time in a bad, bad relationship, I used to stop in a church chapel near my work and pray that my marriage be saved. Desperately and sincerely, I begged for help. The marriage broke up anyway. I then had to go through the pain and displacement of rebuilding my life. As I sit here today, I cannot help but think… “Thank heavens for unanswered prayers.”
When, exactly, is it time to call it quits? Certainly, it is an individual matter for everyone.
| "If your relationship is not working for more than twenty percent of the time, you are standing on shaky ground." |
Why do people break up? What happens to them? You may recognize some of the following:
Addictions
Obvious reasons for leaving someone are addiction to substances, gambling, lying, cheating, violent outbursts, and infidelity. In all of these cases, there has to be intervention and treatment for relationships to survive. Both parties need counseling. If your partner won’t get help, get counseling for yourself to understand your attraction to this type of individual.
Not Taking Responsibility To Be Committed
When one or both people allow themselves to be attracted to others, they are in trouble. Some people feel there is nothing wrong with a “harmless” flirtation. On the contrary, research shows that in every close conversation, there is the possibility of secreting oxytocin (a hormonal chemical) that creates a bond. These interactions can make people feel like they are falling in love. You can consciously choose not to cross a boundary. You can change your thoughts and focus.
Inability To Forgive
There is no “perfect” relationship and even the best ones will have some bumps in the road. However, how couples smooth out those bumps determines their success. People who are good at relating will try to repair any damage that is done. They will offer apologies and make gestures to right what has caused hurt. If the receiver of the apology accepts it, forgives, and gets over it, the relationship will endure.
Damaging Attitudes
You need to teach others how to treat you in order to get your needs met. There is no reason to be a victim of someone else. There are, however, four major attitudes that indicate a relationship will break up:
Contempt
Sarcasm, insults, and an air of superiority are poisonous to partnerships. When one person feels they are better than the other one, it corrodes the bond. Teasing, where couples exchange tongue-in-cheek put-downs, can also be a mask of contempt. This method of relating can easily move from humor to a nasty tone. If you want to stay in love, change your words, take your angry feelings to a counselor, and remember to acknowledge and praise your partner.
Criticism
Criticism never made anyone better. “Constructive criticism,” which is damaging remarks masquerading as being good for you, is mean at heart. Shift to giving helpful tips if you have a contribution you want to make to someone you love. Genuine help doesn’t feel unkind.
Defensiveness
Relationships won’t last when someone is righteous, indignant, and the victim of what goes wrong in life. Couples can’t resolve problems if one person is pouting, feeling they are being picked on. The key is to listen to what the other one is saying, and then communicate your needs.
Stonewalling
You can’t sustain love if one person won’t talk. If someone consistently looks down, turns away, and won’t communicate, this indicates emotional withdrawal. There is little future for the partnership. Relationships take talking through until both people feel satisfied with a mutual solution.
Desperation
Do you work hard at carefully hiding your terror of being alone? Are you desperate to have someone near so you can get through the night? Do you think that if you found someone, your worries would be over? Unfortunately, they would just be beginning. You would still have your own insecurities to deal with, while adding those of another person.
Opposite Values
In almost every relationship that did not make it, someone did not honor a value the other one held dear. Example: if one person values trust and honesty, and the other one thinks it’s clever to “bend” the truth, the prognosis for happiness is not good.
Sarcasm, insults, and an air of superiority are poisonous to partnerships. When one person feels they are better than the other one, it corrodes the bond. Teasing, where couples exchange tongue-in-cheek put-downs, can also be a mask of contempt. This method of relating can easily move from humor to a nasty tone. If you want to stay in love, change your words, take your angry feelings to a counselor, and remember to acknowledge and praise your partner.
| "'Couples can't resolve problems if one person is pouting, feeling they are being picked on." |
Criticism never made anyone better. “Constructive criticism,” which is damaging remarks masquerading as being good for you, is mean at heart. Shift to giving helpful tips if you have a contribution you want to make to someone you love. Genuine help doesn’t feel unkind.
Defensiveness
Relationships won’t last when someone is righteous, indignant, and the victim of what goes wrong in life. Couples can’t resolve problems if one person is pouting, feeling they are being picked on. The key is to listen to what the other one is saying, and then communicate your needs.
Stonewalling
You can’t sustain love if one person won’t talk. If someone consistently looks down, turns away, and won’t communicate, this indicates emotional withdrawal. There is little future for the partnership. Relationships take talking through until both people feel satisfied with a mutual solution.
Desperation
Do you work hard at carefully hiding your terror of being alone? Are you desperate to have someone near so you can get through the night? Do you think that if you found someone, your worries would be over? Unfortunately, they would just be beginning. You would still have your own insecurities to deal with, while adding those of another person.
Opposite Values
In almost every relationship that did not make it, someone did not honor a value the other one held dear. Example: if one person values trust and honesty, and the other one thinks it’s clever to “bend” the truth, the prognosis for happiness is not good.
Is it time to call it quits? Have you tried everything, including counseling, to put it back together? If you can’t give each other an enduring commitment because of some of the above, it may be time to call it quits. But remember—the relationship may be over, but your life isn’t.
