ASK TONJA
1. I married when I was 29. I divorced this year and I'm 43, with children. I'm dating a man who also has children. He exhibits all the signs that he's into me, but the time between dates is long (weeks.) Is this normal when dating someone with kids and who travels for work, or am I just making excuses for him? What other kinds of differences should I expect when dating at this point in my life compared to when I dated in my 20s?
Thanks,
Starting Over Older and Wiser
2. I've been dating this guy for a year and a half. He told me that he didn't want anything serious when we met. I stay at his home most of the time. When I make plans to move on and leave him, he starts to act more attentive and caring towards me. Is he becoming interested in a relationship or is he interested in the security of me being here?
3. I am 39 years old and my boyfriend is 42. We met in December 2005 while on vacation and have been pretty much inseparable since. We live in two different cities and manage to see each other every 3-4 weeks, and talk on the phone at least 3 times a day.
Last fall I took a leave of absence from work and spent 2 months living with him. I found our compatibility was wonderful and we both felt that this relationship had a solid future. We have talked about getting married and having a child, but he doesn't seem to be in any rush. He has admitted that he is a "commitment phobe" and likes things the way they are.
I don't know if I have scared him by asking him to make 2 major life-changing decisions in just a short time together, or if he just wants out.
Aching Ovaries
Dear Achy Hearts, (and ovaries,)
Thank you all for sharing your personal stories. You have done a good job of communicating your anxiety, confusion, and sense of helplessness. Hopefully, some of the information below will help you get back in charge of your life, and out from under a cloud of an uncertain future. There were many other people who had questions around this theme. Let's clear up the confusion first, and then find a way to lessen some of the aches and pains of dating.
First of all, when someone tells you they are a non-committal, or that they do not want to get serious, believe them. I know there are some women who have hung in there and triumphed over all the words and signs that their guy would never commit, but it doesn't happen often. And why would you want a guy who has to be "nudged" into wanting a life with you? This is an invalidating place for you to be in.
Second, why be afraid to ask what the status of your relationship is? You're not asking about Friday night dinner plans – you're asking about your life. What could be more important? Are you afraid to ask because you are scared of the answer? If you are, take a look at what you need to give yourself that will make your life feel fantastic. If you had a shimmering life, full of great friends, exciting work, and thrilling plans for your future, and you knew you could find many other interesting guys to date, I doubt you would want to hang out in a toxic place. But if you are looking at limited possibilities, work stress, loneliness, and doubts about your ability to attract wonderful men, then you might choose to stay where you are and hope that HE changes.
Hanging out and hanging on, hoping to create a lasting bond will leave you angry, bitter, and disappointed. It's hard to look and feel scintillating when you are in this state of mind.
When you are dating someone, you deserve to know what his vision is for the future. Be brave enough to face the truth and move on if he doesn't feel the same way you do or want the same thing. Let's look at some of the reasons that might be blocking you from reaching for the life and the love that you want:
- You don't think you deserve anything better. I know that sounds too easy for an answer but if you search your "mind talk" and listen to what you say and think to yourself, you may find phrases such as:
- I'm getting older and I'll be lucky to find anyone.
- All the good ones are married.
- No one will want me with my baggage. (children, problems, history, etc.)
- I can't have what I want so I've got to take what I can get.
- Men only want young women.
- You don't get out often enough to realize that there are many single men who would like to meet you.
- You don't realize that meeting a great guy takes information, planning, guts, and determination. It doesn't "just happen" like it used to when you were young. You have to work for it.
- You hang out with other people who reaffirm your belief, which is, there isn't anyone out there.
- All of your negative experiences have led you to believe that "there aren't any good men left."
What can you do?
- Change your negative talk into positive statements. Say them before you fall asleep.
- Make a plan to get out to new places and meet new faces.
- Take a class, find a group, or find a mentor to help you learn the skills of dating.
- Spend less time around negative people and develop some positive friendships.
- Know that you aren't the only single nice person on the planet, and there is someone wonderful waiting to meet you.
Sit down and plan what you are going to do first to expand your life. Taking one action will give you energy and hope. Once you take one step, you can take the next one and many more after that. You can do it!
Warmest regards,
Tonja
Dear Tonja,
I've met someone on the Internet, and we've taken a good bit of time getting to know each other. Because of the amount of time we've spent on the phone, emailing and instant messaging, we have become very close. We keep up with each other’s schedules every day, and know each others families and friends. Now we are planning to meet face to face. We live 600 miles apart, so we won't have the luxury of getting to spend a lot of time together. I do not want to get intimate too soon. How long do you recommend knowing someone before you become intimate?
Thanks,
B.
Dear B.,
Thanks for the tough question. It takes a lot of thought, diplomacy, and, (aahhem...) maturity, (translation: being on the planet longer than anyone else) to answer this.
I know you have feelings for him and that you trust this guy, and I know you are not taking this relationship lightly. Further, this is going to be a challenging meeting because you have waited so long to see each other. Your brains must be on fire.
However, if you are able to hear me through the roar of the flames, let me explain what shapes and informs my caution and opinions. I hear from mid-life daters everyday. I hear how "dating is not like it used to be." Some of them have not gone out with other people in years, having been married for a long time, and are coming from a place of innocence and inexperience. They are unaware of the rising number of STDs (sexually transmitted diseases), particularly in the over-40 age group. I have a friend who is the director of women’s health for a large university. She told me that more mid-life women are contracting the AIDS virus than ever before. They don’t understand how prevalent it is and how vulnerable they are.
I am a big advocate of internet dating, since I know many people who have met their soul mate through that connection. But I am also a bigger nag than the worst of your mother's naggings because I have clients who have been robbed of their life savings, their homes, and their health. They wanted to believe the guy before they knew him well enough.
Since this relationship means a great deal to you, I highly recommend a thorough background check. Go to Consumer Guide to Background Checks and NetDetective. If one of these doesn't work for you, find another, or hire a private detective to do the check for you.
After this background check, before you ever get intimate with anyone, you are going to have to ask the hard questions. You may have to ask to see test results. (Many people are walking around with AIDS and don’t know they have it.) Many people do have a less life threatening but lifelong STD and they need to share that information with you also, before you are intimate, so that precautions can be taken.
I know this is a lot, but we're talking about your life. Nothing is more important than your wellbeing. If this guy cares about you, he will be understanding and willing to cooperate. (Blame the health advice on me. Tell him your coach said you have to do this.) If he backs off, maybe he has something to hide.
Following these precautions, you need time to meet his family and friends. I have a client who spent a year with a guy before she found out from his sister that he had not been married once before, like he told her, but 4 times before. Further, none of those marriages ended the way he said his one marriage had. He did not leave "a bad marriage." They all left him for the same reason – he was cheating on them.
Chemistry between two people is at once compelling... and fickle. It’s wonderful and heady; it can make a fool out of you; and it can lead you to believe anything.
At your first meeting, I would strongly suggest you have your own accommodations (do not stay at his house) and your own transportation. Make sure your friends call you on your cell phone often, and have the address of where you will be staying. Let him know that your friends will be checking on you.
We all want the best for you, and we want to know that you are safe, so perhaps you could put up the orange traffic cones... and move very slowly. If you can do that, you will know the level of his commitment, the kind of person he is, and ultimately, when it is time.
Very best to you, B.
Tonja
