JANUARY 11, 2008
RESOLUTIONS
Well, it's a new year, and with it comes a lot more than just a 12 month supply of barber taser electrodes and a new set of radials for the Crown Vic. It also comes with waves of guilt over holiday pounds gained, feelings of failure with every glance at a treadmill used as a clothes rack and overwhelming fears of dying alone and friendless. But that's Patrolwoman Marten in Evidence.
Me? I love the new year. It's the perfect opportunity to look back at the Ol' Life Yardstick and see how my Individual Plan for Personal and Professional Growth (or IPPPG) is coming along. Now, I don't usually go in for all this New Years resolution crap. It's fine for your average soda jerk, but I need something a little more intense. That's why the whole resolutions exercise is just a small part of my IPPPG.
The IPPPG is something I dreamt up back in Junior High. Of course, back then it was called my 'IPPAG.' The 'A' stood for Academic. I didn't change it to 'P' for Professional until ninth grade.
Truth be told, my mother was actually the one who dreamt it up for me. She wasn't very fond of A-'s and after one particularly rough report card, she felt it would be a good idea if I "stopped screwing up my life and pulled my head out." It was the first semester of sixth grade. I was 11 and she was quite the loving wordsmith.
I can't say it was too much fun sitting at the kitchen table all Christmas vacation with a slide ruler, some construction paper and a copy of J.F.K.'s Profiles in Courage, but I got used to it after a week. And, in the end, Mom was right. See that, Mother? You're right. Happy? My IPPPG has turned out to be an invaluable life tool.
So. Now that it's 2008, how is my IPPPG coming along? Just fine, thanks. Right on track. But that's not to say that there isn't room for improvement:
Head Detective Carlton Lassiter's New Years Resolutions for the year 2008. (Abridged)
A sub-section of H.D. C. Lassiter's IPPPG
- I will resist the daily, overwhelming urge to physically harm Shawn Spencer.
- And, to a lesser degree, Burton Guster.
- I will let Det. Juliet O'Hara drive the Crown Vic at least once a week...to get us lunch or coffee, and at least bi-monthly on calls.
- I will go down to 3 creams and 2 sugars in my coffee by February 1, 2008, 2/1 by March 1, 2008 and 1 cream/no sugar by April 1, 2008. Goal: black by Summer 2008.
- I will lean Spanish.
- I will be patient with Officer Buzz McNab (unless he's being a complete idiot in which case all bets are off).
- I will go on a date with a woman I don't meet online. Or at the Gettysburg BBQ.
- I will be more encouraging to Interim Chief Vick.
- I will check my ego and stay off of the 'Expert' trail while mountain biking.
- I will lose ten pounds and start to eat right.
Happy New Year and Good Luck with your own IPPPG.