FEBRUARY 2, 2007
Love's Grand Night

Everybody deserves somebody special.

Now I don't mean to go all Dr. Phil on your ass but it is that time of year. Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. It's a lovely holiday, isn't it? I can't think of another day when you get to have all the pressures of our materialistic, beauty-worshiping society loaded so squarely on your back.

Got a sweetheart? Well then you damn well better get out there and prove to the world how much you love her. We're talking shiny things in small boxes and big dinner bills in dark dining rooms. Of course, there's nothing wrong with the scaled down route: a box of drug store chocolates and a cutesy card�if you're giving it to your mom.

Or, maybe, you're one of those unfettered folks who are without a sweetie on the big day. That's fun. Constantly trying to sound upbeat as you explain to the ladies in the office kitchen or on the next treadmill that you're really looking forward to some quality 'Me Time'. Uh Huh. I�m sure they bought it. Who wouldn't be looking forward to some quality 'Me Time' on Love's Grand Night?

Now don't get me wrong. I know I can come off like a real hard ass when it comes to the affairs of the heart or when it comes to anything else for that matter, but the fact is I love Love. Romance? I'm all for it. That tentative kiss at the end of a first date? Nothing better. My problem is, like a bunch of old Slovak women in babushkas, society has to stick its nose into your business and take a big sniff. And if you're not meeting all its criteria for domestic happiness and conformity then there must be something wrong with you. Dreadfully, pitifully wrong.

Let's face it. Dating sucks. Dating over the age of 30 really sucks. What the hell happened? College? My god, it was unbelievable. Seemed like it was a four year long Date-a-palooza. I even dated a theater major. She had a nose ring. She was insane, but in kind of a good way. Then, at the Academy, I discovered that there was something very sexy about female cadets who could empty a clip into the center circle at 15 meters.

Things change. As we get older it just gets harder to meet people. Our circle of friends with dateable friends to set us up with dwindles down. We get more set in our ways. We get rusty.

Seems like the only place left to meet people is at work, and in my profession most of my co-workers are male and/or cuffed to a bench. Plus, interdepartmental romances are not very popular with the brass. I can't say that I blame them. You don't want to worry that your back-up might still be pissed off about last night's argument over who used all the toilet paper and didn't replace it.

This all might seem a little discouraging. But, as the day dedicated to cupids and cheap teddy bears holding satin hearts rolls towards you, there's something you need to remember. When it comes to love it's never too late. Just stop by any retirement home and I guarantee you'll find at least two couples that have found love there. Slow moving, bingo playing love, but love nonetheless.

So go ahead, grow a pair and ask out that cute Barista at the Pete's Coffee. She already knows how you take it. Or Frank, the assistant manager at Safeway. His nametag boasts "15 years of service." He's been able to commit to something. If you get shot down, well, at least you tried. Plus, that just means more quality 'Me Time.' So it�s win-win.

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