SEPTEMBER 12, 2008
THE BANK JOB
Before we get into any of this, I'll just say that I make no apologies for the way I behaved this week. I was in a bank, and the bank was being robbed, so you've got to cut me some slack. Now, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that you've never walked into a bank to make a routine deposit and then found yourself in a hostage situation. If you have, then you probably know what I'm talking about.
As for the rest of you, well, just imagine you're just going about your business and in a moment, you're facing down death. It may sound dramatic, but that's pretty much where my head was and thus my behavior, which I'll man up and admit now, may have been a bit on the panicky side.
But I won't say I didn't learn something from the experience, because I'll tell you, a person faced with his very mortality gets a lot of thinking done. I realized that there are a few things that I should probably get off my chest, so in the interests of cathartic disclosure, I thought I this week I would I would use this space to lay myself bare and offer everything I thought while preparing to meet my maker under the counter of the local savings and loan. The thoughts on this list are in no particular order:
- I'm not really certain that the Psych checking account is getting the best interest rate. If I'm not murdered in cold blood, I'm going to look into investing in a CD or money market.
- Maybe for once, would it kill Shawn to introduce me by my real name? I mean, Schmooel Cohen? Longbranch Pennywhistle? Dr. McTock? Really?
- I can't believe I'm going to die in a bank.
- The S.W.A.T Team is here. Awesome!
- Shawn is here. Crap.
- Positivity is very important and attitude is everything. You get what you expect. Unfortunately, I expect to die at any moment.
- There is no try. There is only do or do not.
- I need to get out of Santa Barbara for a while. That is if I'm not snuffed out right here by some babbling gun-wielding nut.
- I miss my late Great Grandma Guster. I mean, not so much that I want to meet up with her in heaven, say, this afternoon. I just miss her, that's all.
- Throwing cigarette butts out a car window is still littering. If I'm not prematurely slain, I'm definitely never going to take up smoking and thus never throw my cigarette butts out the window. It's littering, you know.
Now, in retrospect, I admit that some of these thoughts aren't exactly, well, coherent. Furthermore, I'm well aware that #7 was something I heard Yoda say, but these are the thoughts of a man at the precipice, and there's no accounting for rationality under such a circumstance. I will say that despite its position on the list, #8 is what makes sense to me right now. I've been working too hard, and I deserve a vacation. Maybe I'll head up to San Francisco or down to San Diego. It's like 75 degrees there all year around.
I'm not even going to ask Shawn. I know he'll understand. I've been through some trauma. And besides, he left for his own vacation three hours ago. I'll see you at Christmas.
