JANUARY 19, 2007
PHARMA FAQS

As regular visitors to this space already know, there's simply no end to the fascinating world of pharmaceuticals. And it probably comes as no surprise that as a representative of a large pharmaceutical concern, I get a lot of questions. Some days, it seems that everywhere I go - the cleaners, the gym, the military hobby shop - everyone wants to know something.

It makes sense. Pharmaceuticals, as well as their history and evolution, is truly fascinating stuff. Plus, there does seem to be a good amount of misinformation out there about the industry that's conquered so many afflictions and provided me with my 401(k).

So without further delay, I present answers to the most common questions I receive. Read on and discover, pharma-curious!

Gus, why did you become a pharmaceutical salesman?
Well, first and foremost, healthcare is a multi-bazillion dollar industry, and the pharmaceutical industry is a significant portion of it. This translates to stability and security as far as a job is concerned. And what could be more important in a job than stability and security? At Central Coast Pharmaceuticals, I get both.

That's a really nice suit. Do all pharmaceutical reps dress as good as you?
Thank you. That's really kind of you to say. It's very important to make a good impression on regular and new customers alike. A T-shirt won't move product, at least not unless it's underneath a tailored suit. And no, unfortunately, not all pharmaceutical reps dress as well as I do [it's well, not good :)], but then not everyone gets to be Salesman of the Month. Twice.

What's with all the funky pharmaceutical names? Do you guys just make that stuff up, or what?
Well, it's funny you should ask. The word pharmaceutical is actually a synthesis of the Latin root pharma meaning "to heal" and the archaic French "ceuti" meaning ...

That's not what I asked you.
Oh. Right. Sorry. Well, let me ask you this: if it's going to make you feel better, or perhaps save your life, you're going to learn how to say it, right? But I understand what you're saying. Doctors are pretty smart, and I've seen their tongues get tangled over some easy ones, like Hamicil and Zhoxifan, but they get the hang of it after awhile. The fact is, research has shown that a distinct, medical-sounding name actually increases the sales of certain products. When we changed the name of Toezine to Dermaplimazol, sales increased by 12 percent! There's talk of changing that particular product's name yet again, to Lrphmfrnztyk, but that name may be too similar to one of our existing products.

How many doctors do you service on your route?
I've got about three dozen physicians in my sales territory. I usually begin my day on the far west side of town and then work my way in, dropping into offices and making cold calls here and there. The best place for business for me, however, is the golf course. Doctors and golf, man.

How does the pharmaceutical industry keep up with all the diseases out there?
It's incredibly difficult and expensive, which is a reason why my industry is sometimes subject to intense government scrutiny as well as criticism in the media. But diseases don't cure themselves and the media should thank the pharmaceutical industry for keeping them healthy enough to complain, you know what I'm saying?

One bright spot in the scenario is that while there is a seemingly infinite number of maladies for which treatments are being developed, many of the illnesses people ask me about simply aren't real. For example, Dreaming Death isn't an actual illness, but rather an invention by the writers of the soap opera, Guiding Light, used as a means to kill off certain members of the cast. Ditto for the Drafa Plague on Babylon 5 and Cosmic Rust on Transformers. These are fictitious conditions which in my experience seem to lead many to believe that there are more diseases out there than there actually are. So rest assured people, if it's a real disease, we've got your back.

You've mentioned your secretary, Elaine.
Yes. Elaine is a sweet lady who gives me my phone messages when I come into the office. Her son attends UCSB and is majoring in Fashion Merchandising. He did all the decorating for last year's holiday party, which she hosted in her very nice manufactured home at Junipero Serra Estates. It was a great party. There were rum balls, a White Elephant gift exchange, and ...

Can I go now?
Oh. Um, sure. See you later, then.

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