LET THE GAMES BEGIN!
PART III

OK, that was a bummer moment, but it's time to turn our frowns upside-down and watch the male contestants. David St. Romain goes first. His video piece shows him being an upstanding family man, gushing on and on about his gorgeous wife and baby daughter. It's all very sweet, almost too sweet. But audiences love all that family-values stuff so I'm sure this mush will win voters over.

David then takes the stage wearing way too much pre-ripped denim and singing Pat Green's "Wave On Wave." He starts off mellow, a bit on the bland side, but steps it up at the chorus; by the song's end, the four remaining female finalists are actually doing The Wave to "Wave On Wave." Clever. His proudly tearful wife is shown in the audience, holding their adorable little baby aloft. OK, we get it, David -- you're a family man. You think you're the only guy out there with a family? Don't milk it too much or it will seem like a transparent ploy instead of a nice little back-story. Anyhoo, Blake is impressed by David: "I love your confidence. You have a unique voice. I'm rooting for you!" Anastasia is not as enthusiastic, claiming David is too much of a Pat Green copycat and needs to bring out more of his own personality. Randy simply expresses his admiration for David's wholesome family values -- so, I guess David's plan worked after all.

Zac Hacker is next. Much like his "gritty" sister Angela, Zac is refreshingly candid in his interview, taking about his alcoholic dad. Then he cranks up the electric blues guitar on his honky-tonk rendition of Tim McGraw's "You Turn Me On." Wow, what was in the water in the Hacker household? This guy's great too. He's the real deal, he's instantly relatable, and he may very well be Angela's stiffest competition. Anastasia likes Zac, but likes Angela more. "Your sister kicked your arse tonight," she says. (Yo, what's an arse? What is this, merry olde England?) Blake accuses Zac of favoring Randy, but if that's the case, then it looks like Zac's tactic worked like a charm, since an apparently won-over Randy declares, "I think you have a shot to win the whole thing!"

Third up is my personal favorite, Tim LaRoche, who, it turns out, has led a pretty interesting life -- starting with being born in the decidedly non-country capital of the planet, Iceland. You don't hear about too many country kings coming out of Iceland, do you? Well, Tim could be the first. He storms out ripping through the Charlie Daniels Band's "Devil Went Down To Georgia," long locks a-flyin' and guitar a-roarin'. Tim kicks ass! Or, as Anastasia would say, arse! He just plain rocks. His name ought to be Tim LaRock. In fact, I will christen him with this new moniker right now.

So Mr. LaRock seems a shoo-in to be Blake's favorite, but Blake admits that he was too distracted by LaRock's dazzling guitar work to pay much attention to his singing. Randy likewise thinks LaRock's guitar playing is "awesome," but says his voice is "a little pitchy in places." Anastasia is less kind, sniping, "Your vocal limitations make me wonder if your future lies in playing guitar for the winner of Nashville Star." Dang, Anastasia. Why you gotta hate?

Uh-oh. I have a bad feeling about this. Could it be that Tim will be the one the judges cut tonight? But I just got to know him! He can't go yet! My only hope is that the next two contestants suck. Nice of me, huh? But I just don't want LaRock to go. Joshua Stevens, the perdy one, is up next. His video piece depicts him as a David St. Romain-esque family man. (See, David? You're not the only one who can procreate. Tim's a dad, too--did I mention that?)

Joshua's subsequent performance of Rascal Flatts' "My Wish" leaves me underwhelmed; his vocals are just too flat and boy-bandy for my taste, although I admit it helps that's he's nice to look at. Hey, I'm a heterosexual female, and I've got eyes, OK? To semi-borrow a TV ad slogan from Kelly LeBrock (not to be confused with Tim LaRock), I'm not gonna hate Josh 'cause he's beautiful. Anyway, here's where Anastasia and I disagree (I'm sure it won't be the last time): She claims Joshua is "the best male singer in this competition." Um, in the immortal words of Faith Hill ... WHAT???? I just didn't think Josh was all that. Am I crazy? Maybe Anastasia just knows something I don't. She gets paid the big bucks to do this sort of thing, after all. But I'm simply not that into Josh -- what can I say? Maybe I should rewind this TiVo thingy and watch him again. But, nah. Don't feel like it.

Last but certainly not least is Dustin Wilkes. Turns out he's an ex-Marine. Hey, that worked for Josh Gracin on American Idol, so it could work for Dustin. Now Dustin is singing Travis Tritt's "Put Some Drive In Your Country." Uh-oh. This is bad. No, I don't mean that Dustin is bad. On the contrary, Dustin is good. Like, real good. But that's bad, because that does not bode well for Mr. LaRock. I think LaRock is LaFinished. LaToast. Ugh. Now Randy is comparing Dustin to a young Garth Brooks. OH NO!

The moment of doom is at hand. Time to find out which man isn't man enough to continue on Nashville Star. Personally, if it were up to me, Joshua Stevens would be the one to go. But it's obvious that Anastasia's not gonna let that happen. So I steel myself for the worst as Cowboy Troy cracks open the envelope. And the loser is...gulp...Tim LaRoche.

[read this next line while imagining Edvard Munch's famous existentialist painting 'The Scream'] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn, damn, damn. That's it. I quit. Blog's over. My favorite contestant was on for all of 48 minutes before he got cut. Why go on?

But then Tim, who does a much better job of keeping his composure than Rickiejoleen did, graciously shrugs and reminds us that "only one person will be left standing in the end." His point being that eventually nearly all of these contestants will have to go -- it's just a matter of when. I just wish Tim didn't have to go first. But hey, I guess that's why I'm not a high-powered A&R exec. I am but a lowly blogger. It's just my opinion. But for what it's worth, Tim, you will be missed. By me, at least.

And thus concludes episode 1 of season 5. I'm bummed that Tim is gone, but I still think it's going to be an exciting competition. My support now fully and officially shifts to the Hackers -- I think it'll be a Big Hack Attack this season. How awesome would it be if it came down to Angela and Zac in the finale? That would be some must-see TV for sure. But that finale is seven episodes away, so let's not get ahead our ourselves. Instead, just come back next week for another unabashedly biased and digression-riddled recap of episode 2, and until then, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the Nashville stars.