MR. MONK AND THE CAPTAIN'S MARRIAGE
by Jack Bernstein
After my agent spoke with the VP of Series Programming at USA Network, I was thrilled to learn that I would be guest writing for an episode of Monk. And when he informed me that I would be flying to meet them in New Jersey, I was even more thrilled.
I arrived in Newark on a Sunday evening at 6 p.m., having weathered the embarrassment of going through security with my inflatable writing partner. I had been given the choice of staying in a hotel in Manhattan or Summit, N.J. It was a no-brainer. Soon after checking in to my deluxe micro-suite at the Summit Super 12, I got a phone call from Monk Executive Producer Andy Breckman. Andy told me that they were going to start at 11 a.m. Monday morning and was that a problem? I told him if he wanted to start that early, I guess I could do it.
Wanting to make a good impression on my first day, I arrived twenty minutes late. I was the first one there. In order to get paid, I needed to fill out a stack of forms that rivaled the Manhattan yellow pages. I'm still not sure why they needed a urine sample, but I complied nonetheless (Although I really wish they had given me a cup).
Finally, I sat down at the writer's table to begin the process of breaking the story. I should set the scene first. I like to work in a room big enough to land a plane in, so I felt right at home in this room. There was a pool table, an air hockey table, the writer's table, and six thousand square feet of nothing else.
On the various television staffs I have worked on, there is an unspoken seat assignment around the writer's table. It's not official, it's not even a conscious act, people just tend to sit in the same seat day after day. Being the invited guest, I didn't want to sit in anyone's unofficial seat so I remained standing until everyone else sat down. Unfortunately, Co-Executive Producer Tom Scharpling was busy in his office talking to production since a show he had written was being prepped, so I ended up standing most of the first day until Tom finally came out around two p.m. and took his seat.
Starting Monday morning at eleven a.m., we had the teaser for the story, the solution to the story, and nothing else. By Friday afternoon, we would have a complete outline (including some dialog and jokes) that I would use as the template for the script. During the course of that week, I nearly laughed myself into a state of dehydration. The creative journey from point A to point B+ was one of the most enjoyable experiences of my professional career (it would've been the most enjoyable experience if Andy hadn't insisted that we all wear pirate costumes for the week, but that's another story for another time).
The writing staff, in addition to Andy Breckman and Tom Scharpling, consists of Joe Toplyn, Hy Conrad, Dan Dratch and David Breckman (who I never met and think Andy may have made him up since whenever he had bad news to give anyone, it always came from "David"). Each of these guys contributed significantly to the script, and the best thing about that is since it's my name on the script, I get all the credit. I can give them credit here and look like a nice guy but believe me, when my mom asks if I wrote that funny line, you can be sure the answer is, "Of course. Who else could come up with something that clever?" At the same time, if there's something she didn't like (and she's not shy about telling me), then of course I can blame it on the imaginary "David Breckman".
Each day would start the same -- we would talk about pretty much anything but the story we were breaking. Finally, Andy would say that he didn't really feel like working but "David" just called and insisted that we start. Dan or Joe would then point out that since it was nearly lunchtime, maybe we should just wait until after lunch since we didn't want to get the creative process going only to be interrupted minutes later (sometimes it was Hy's job to point this out). We then discussed this for a while, figured out where we wanted to have lunch, made some personal phone calls and then went to lunch.
I like to take a nap after lunch and found that most of the writers on Monk do also. Unfortunately, "David" insisted that we actually work. So we were hard at work by the crack of three. The process of developing a story starts with a good idea first, and the solution second. You know where you're starting, you know where you're ending up, and you create the journey. Great characters and great actors are what make the journey fun. With Monk, you have both.
The creative process is difficult to describe, mostly because I don't really understand it. I think I'd have better luck understanding a lecture on biomolecular kinetics from a beaver, but honestly, where would you find a beaver that understands biomolecular kinetics? I mean, really understands? So basically, the creative process consists of all of us shouting out ideas for the story until Andy scratches his head and says, "That might work" and writes it down. Your initial reaction, of course, is to think, "Really? You actually think that would work?" Which translates to, "Yeah, I think it would work, too."
And soon you have plenty of ideas. We actually put them in a jar labeled, "The Jar O' Ideas." At the end of the day, we empty the jar and arrange them in acts or, as the network calls them, commercial breaks. Pretty soon a story begins to take shape. Andy types them into his archaic computer (I actually think it's steam powered. I'm not kidding) and on Friday afternoon, prints out the edited version of five days of jokes, suggestions, ideas, and his grocery list (a little Andy Breckman trivia: He loves reduced fat Oreos!). Then you're sent on your way to write the script.
The process of writing a script differs from writer to writer. Some like to work in the morning, some in the afternoon, some at night. I like dusk. It's not too bright, it's not too dark, it's just right. I think I'm a pretty fast writer, mostly because I don't concern myself with punctuation or logic. Pretty soon, before you even realize it, you're standing on your balcony at dusk eating reduced fat Oreos while watching the sunset and you've got a script in your hand.
Once finished, I e-mailed the script to the Monk offices and waited to hear how my script was received. I waited. And waited. Then I waited some more. Finally, one day my phone rang, it was Stefanie, the woman who actually runs Monk but doesn't get any credit. At last, I would find out if all my hard work paid off. She said, and I'll never forget these words because they sent a chill up my spine, but she said, "I have David Breckman calling for you."
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