AUGUST 2, 2007
DOG PARK

I woke up early to take a run last week – not an easy task in the Miami humidity – but it's just about the only thing that relaxes me. I was stretching in front of my apartment building when I spotted a man walking his dog. (Two things in the world will make me stop and take notice: high-powered assault rifles and puppies. I cannot help myself. I love dogs. And men. But then men are pretty much dogs so...) I introduced myself and kneeled down to pet his adorable terrier mix: Spunky. The owner, Nelson, seemed nice enough – a little rigid and stale for my taste but it was Spunky who grabbed my heart. I finally had to tear myself away to go on my run but when I took a last look back at Spunky, I stopped dead in my tracks. I watched, in a mix of horror and shock, as Nelson let Spunky "do his business" in the middle of the sidewalk. When Spunky was done, Nelson quickly yanked him down the block. Didn't even attempt to clean up the mess – just pretended like it had never happened. Unbelievable. Right in front of my building – ready for any unsuspecting passerby to step in. I knew what had to be done.

I tailed Nelson back to his house. A modest home – with a Prius parked in the driveway. Apparently Nelson thought "going green" also meant leaving your dog's feces for others to deal with. I watched the house from a safe distance, biding my time. Sure enough, Nelson came out soon after wearing a suit as bland as he was, got into his Prius, and sped away. This was going to be too easy. Next morning I woke up with that rush of excitement you get right before a job – it's like the feeling you have when climbing slowly up the tracks of a rollercoaster – anticipating the long drop ahead. I sat in my car across the street from Nelson's house until I watched him leave in another boring suit. As soon as he was gone, I sprang into action – walked casually to the house and unlatched the gate, which lead to the backyard where Spunky lay sprawled out on the grass. Before taking Spunky, I taped a note I had typed out and sealed in an envelope on the doggie door. It said:

Spunky and I had a fantastic day: we ran on the beach together, we played catch, and when we couldn't run and play anymore we cuddled and watched Scarface. He was the perfect companion – did everything I wanted to do and didn't complain or argue once. (Michael should be taking notes...) I was actually getting sad about returning Spunky to Nelson and was secretly hoping he wouldn't follow through.

But I went to the dog park the next day and to my surprise (and a pang of regret) there was Nelson with GLOVES on. Big yellow gloves – the kind people wear while washing dishes. I kind of felt bad for the guy as he bent down with a queasy look to pick up after a Pit Bull that started nipping at his heels. Nelson could not have looked more miserable as he filled bag after bag...but I have to give him credit – he stayed the whole day. And so I had to follow through with my part of the bargain. As much as I hated to part with Spunky, Nelson proved that he loved his dog so much he was willing to do anything to get him back. And I got to have a dog for the day. Not as great as having one of my very own but, for now, it will have to do. Hopefully Nelson learned his lesson. But just in case he missed the point, I left Spunky running happily in his backyard and a large box of plastic bags on his front porch.