JULY 5, 2007

POLISHED

Since it looks like I'm staying in Miami for a bit longer than expected, I decided to check out my surroundings. Get a lay of the land. But a girl can't be all work and no play – so I decided to treat myself to a mani-pedi. I really have to be in the right mindset for that since sitting still for an hour and a half isn't really my style. But after all the recent excitement, I thought it might be nice to mellow out.

I purposefully sat in the massage chair by the window, which probably would have given Michael an aneurism – too many sight lines. But I like living on the edge. Besides, people-watching entertains me. The Korean women were gabbing away...must brush up on my Korean...I'm pretty sure the woman holding my feet was complaining about my calluses – I mean, what's a girl to do - running around in three inch heels!

Suddenly, something caught my eye. This slick BMW backed out of a parking spot and ran right into a beat-up Ford parked behind him. I watched closely as the guy got out of his Beemer and checked out the damage. He barely even looked at the Ford. Then he made a full 360, looked around – not very discreetly, might I add – hopped back into his car and took off. No note. Nothing. Typical male.

I jumped up, grabbed a few items and bolted. Quickly got into my car, hitting the gas. I caught up with that BMW as it headed onto Grand Ave. Amazing how people think they can get away with anything. You know what I cannot stand? People who don't accept the consequences of their actions. I decided it was time for me to speed up the karmic process.

I watched patiently as the guy left his car without a care in the world, locking it with his ridiculous car alarm. As if the sound of that alarm is actually going to stop anyone from messing with his precious Beemer. Yes, smashing into his car would have been satisfying but if Michael has taught me anything it's that the more subtle maneuvers actually cause the most amount of damage. It was time to get creative.

After making myself at home in his car, I opened the hood and poured a bottle of pink nail polish into the windshield wiper fluid reservoir. Nothing like a pink windshield to ruin your day. Then, for a finale, I pulled out the nail file I took from the mani-pedi place and scratched over the hood "I just committed a hit and run." Try explaining that one to the cops. Not a chance. To finish the job, I went back to the banged-up Ford and left a note with the BMW's license plate number. Happy with my work, I finished my mani-pedi and paid for the empty bottle of nail polish. Well worth it, if you ask me.

Miami is proving to be quite interesting...I might actually like it here.