OCTOBER 3, 2006
TOP BANANA
HESPERIA, CA

Ken Bannister, AKA "Top Banana" has dedicated the last 33 years of his life to the banana. He is the founder of the International Banana Club and has a museum with over 17,000 banana themed items ("Dr. Freud, call your office").

With an average of only 19 visitors a month (which is, incidentally, two more than our band's website), "TB", dressed in a yellow suit (no surprise), was very eager to show us around. The museum (a room) did not disappoint with its vast amount of banana paraphernalia, including a gold sequined "Michael Jackson Banana", which coincidentally has also gotten lighter over the years.

Mr. Bannister told us he was overjoyed by the recent news that the banana had surpassed the apple as the "it" fruit -- something he no doubt has believed for a long time. He must have reminded us 20 times that eating "two fingers a day" is the way to a healthy life (a finger = a banana, but in a world with people like Jeffrey Dahmer, I'll stick to calling them bananas to avoid any unnecessary confusion.)

Woddis.

What?

"Woddis" is a word that can mean what ever you want it to mean, says Top Banana. I can assure you, however, that it never means anything crude or lascivious -- not if you want any BMs (Banana Merits.) One hundred of those suckers secure you a degree in banana-nomics or something like that. And don't even think about applying for a job at the museum without such a degree ... might even help get you a job at Banana Republic (it would certainly make for an interesting interview.)

After about an hour or so inside, it was time to "take it outside", where Jaron and I had a "banana duel" -- think Wyatt Earp with a banana -- same intensity, only no one gets hurt. It was a scene that even John Ford would be proud of (not John Ford the director, John Ford my neighbor ... he's four.) You have to see the duel to believe it, but let me just say that as an actor (method), it was as if I was present in the Old West. They might have only been sneakers, but I would have sworn they were boots -- with spurs no less. It was as if I could feel the steel in the banana. You'll understand when you see it (I just hope the foreign press is listening.)

Throughout our day with Ken, Jaron and I kept waiting for him to break character. But he didn't. Not even for a second. Which leads me to believe that he is either a better actor than us (impossible), or is certifiably bananas -- which makes him a genuine character. And in our world, all characters are welcome.

Woddis.